Can't turn off being a Mom

It's 1:32 am. I can't sleep. I've just had the conversation of "Finish strong" with my almost 23 year old. I've come to realize that you can't turn off being a mom. I'm stuck in a parallel universe - raising little ones and one big one - almost 15 years apart - and having two sets of conversations.

One is the "Families share, do jobs (especially poop pick-up), say kind words to each other, try new foods" conversation and the other is "You need to finish strong. I can see your potential and I can't sit idly by and see you coast. You are getting an A in social awareness, what about other areas of life - are the scales balanced?"

All this comes about at 1am this morning after the above mentioned 23 year old comes back from a 'drive' the night before finals. I wrestled with whether I said anything or not but decided a conversation needed to be had.

I try to let him live his own life and make his own decisions. I try not to give too much council as I do with the little ones but have had an internal debate with myself on if my silence coveys to him that I don't care.

I don't know the clarity of thought b/c I was really irritated while having this conversation and I had been semi-asleep and of course I have the opportunity of having hindsight right now, but I did mention the following:

• You've got to finish strong - this isn't a sprint, you are doing an endurance race. You need to finish what you start with the same amount of intensity. This not only applies to school but to every other aspect of your life - if you commit, you follow through with intensity.

• Can you look back (specific to his school classes, but applicable to any situation) and say, "Did I give it my best"? I'm not looking for perfection; I'm not looking for 4.0s; but can you HONESTLY say to yourself, "I'm proud of my effort". When you don't do your best you short-change yourself the most. You rob yourself of achieving your potential.
  

• Friends will be there after the finals. Take the time to say "No". You need to learn to say "NO". Fun will always be there is some form or another, learn to finish strong.

I also said I loved him and that I cared too much to sit by the side and let him not know how I feel. I felt bad it happened at 1am , but have realized maybe this was the best time - no one else was awake and distracting me, no ganging up, etc.

I also had to throw in there that I would be bringing up this conversation when he had teenagers that come home at 1am. You know me -I have to throw in a joke to break the tension (I hate contention).

22 year-olds need praise, guidance and love just as much as 7 or 5 year-olds do. They are still trying to figure out who they are ...entering a 'no-mans land' - dancing between the carefree days of no responsibility and building a foundation for a future. They might have bigger bodies, but are just as sensitive - at least my 22 year old is. I'm glad he has a sensitive spirit.

Tagged

I was tagged by a friend and thought I would share a little bit about myself. I don't know who to tag, so if you wish to participate then cut and paste into your blog. I always enjoy reading what others put!

8 Things I am passionate about:
1. The importance of a good education
2. Working hard in ALL aspects of life
3. Eating dinner together as a family
4. Loyalty to friends and family
5. Making my interactions with others positive
6. Trying not to take myself too seriously
7. Creating a spirit of love and comfort in my home
8. Having a healthy family (exercise, food, sibling relationships)

8 Books I have Read (within the six months):
1. Under the Tuscan Sun
2. How to Motivate Your Kids
3. The Parenting Breakthrough
4. The Alchemists Daughter
5. The Teahouse Fire
6. The Great Influenza
7. America's Hidden History
8. Square Foot Gardening (yes, I read it cover to cover)

8 Things I Say:
1. Stop screaming, McKell
2. Is that how you talk to your sister/brother?
3. What time are you coming home tonight?
4. Being in a family means everyone has responsiblities
5. I love you
6. You rock!
7. You forgot something (I say this when they walk by without giving me a hug).
8. You're getting so big, I need to cuddle with my big footed boy or gray tooth boy, pretty princess (whichever applies to each kid)

8 Things that annoy me:
1. Whining
2. Disobedience
3. Picking up after everyone
4. Laziness
5. Starting off the week with dirty dishes in the sink
6. Zombies that the television creates
7. Customer service people that I can't understand
8. People who cannot drive and talk on their cell phones at the same time - speeding, driving too slow or texting as they drive.

8 Things I look forward to:
1. Bedtime and time to talk with Randy.
2. Family vacations
3. Slow days where we don't have to be anywhere and we can just have fun.
4. Seeing my children play with each other.
5. Hearing, "Your the best mom ever"
6. Balancing the books for the company (this may never happen)
7. Seeing my children have successes.
8. The day McKell stops screaming.

8 Things I want to Do before I Die:
1. Go on an African Safari
2. Go on Service Missions with Randy
3. Be Content with who I am
4. See my children married to the ones they love
5. Organize my house
6. Read all the classics
7. Travel more extensively - everywhere
8. Become more patient

8 Things I have Learned:
1. There will always be something for me to do
2. Do not wish away life
3. Being kind and smiling can get you far.
4. When I feel sorry for myself serve others.
5. Success means adapting to the changes life has for you
6. Attitude determines altitude
7. People always like food
8. Schedule time to play with my kids

Tired...

Ok, it's been almost a month since I posted. I have no new pictures because my camera broke and I am irritated that I have to pay to fix it - especially since I bought it just a year ago.

We've been to swimming lessons a lot .. they just got over on Friday (hallelujah!) We start another round the first week of August. Swimming lessons eat up a lot of the day and make Ellie totally thrown off on her nap. I'm glad they are over and that the weather is overcast. The kids have improved so much and Austin is a really good swimmer - Tyler can do it but still looks like he's drowning and McKell decides when she wants to swim and when she wants to scream on the side.

I've made a few observations over the past week or so:

1. I am supporting the economy by always running my washing machine. I always have a load of laundry to do...even when I think I've collected all the dirty clothes it never fails that I find a pair of the kids underwear, socks with BLACK feet, or all the church clothes bunched up with a half eaten piece of red licorice stuck on them.

2. I must really like to do dishes.

3. Three year olds make lots of messes...lots and lots... McKell seems to be in a super destructive mood. She gets into everything and breaks, dumps or smashes things. She always says, "Oops, sorry mommy". This morning it was her cereal and milk all over the floor (I'm sure there will be more as the day progresses) - right after I cleaned the kitchen, last week it was suntan lotion all over herself and the dog (the entire bottle), my make-up, twice - eyeliner all over the floor, dropped eyeshadow and powder so it crumbled every where. She dipped my blush brush in the lip gloss, so it's totally sticky and tried to put hairspray all over her hair, which resulted in some sort of mullet/hair plug look. She dumped cologne all over my side of the bed, broke three things at the garden center which we now have some terra cotta worm that is supposed to tell you when to water your plants but he's totally snapped in half - Austin tried to fix it by super gluing it and sticking it in a pot and she went by and snapped it again. I hope I survive her...

4. Feet and floors in summer are perpetually dirty. Our floors are horribly dirty all the time and so are the kids feet. We have started washing feet at night because they are so disgusting. Our floors are so bad (and I promise I wash and sweep them all the time) that Ellie has two permanent black marks on the tops of her feet from crawling all over the floor.

5. Taking four kids to ANY store isn't productive or helpful. Even if I have a list, it doesn't work well - I wind up with extra things I didn't know I bought (thank you McKell) and there are at least three trips to the bathroom - I usually have Austin take McKell and Tyler and it never fails, I can always hear McKell screaming as they are trying to drag her back to me b/c she wanted to play in the drinking fountain.

6. I have no patience. I try so hard to be patient and kind EVERY day and without fail, I get frustrated and lose it by mid-day. It's not really always my kids fault, I get frustrated at the situation and having no time/space to myself.

7. I get tired of making food. I love to cook but get tired and sad when I realize I do this three times a day, day in and day out. I would love to whip up some recipes I've been dying to make with more sophisticated ingredients. I know I would be met with, "This tastes disgusting" or "I not like it, I eat cereal" or gags and throw-ups on the plate.

8. I feel like my life sometimes is like the movie Groundhog Day. I do the same thing day in and day out - trying to throw in the mix an outing (which always goes much smoother in my mind) or some scholastically enriching activity (which I'm pulling teeth to get them to do).

And I just get tired.

Someday I'll open a book again, sleep all night, eat food that isn't cold or left overs from someone else's plate, and wear clothes without food or runny nose stains on them.

BUT...what do you expect with four little ones under 7. They are funny, energetic and imaginative. They are very confident and secure and know that they have lots of people that love them. I know that's the most important thing but I'm just tired.

I think it's a Large Coke and 2 apple pies day from McDonald's. And I'm off to Costco with the group...